I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
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