Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
