For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
