so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
did he really ask u insert a warm banna in ur anal?
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize
