Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
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