Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
Do you think casino weekend will remind us once again that we in fact are not mature enough to be this old?
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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