it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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