In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
we just pregamed for our presentation... gotta love group bonding
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
