how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
