I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
Randomize
