Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Randomize
