I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
Randomize
