we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
Randomize
