not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
