Quick, to the slutcave!
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
Randomize
