Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
Randomize
