the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
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