I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Randomize
