I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
S and I had anal without a condom because I'm on my rag but he didn't finish. Should I still take Plan B?
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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