I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity�
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
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