i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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