Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
