I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
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