my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
my way of studying for our final tomorrow: registering online to retake the class in the fall
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
no more duck duck goose at the bar
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
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