On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
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