something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
