Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
