12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
I don't plan to be alive for 2010 so ima say this 12 hours early. Happy New Year bitches
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Randomize
