Cold hands, warm shart.
For the record dan just proved he knows the first and last names of ALL the members of NSync. Jury is no longer out on his sexuality.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
Randomize
