Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
Just fucked my ex's brother. It is clear I dated the wrong one. Is it wrong for me to continue to fuck this one?
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