My hair reeks of homosexuality.
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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