So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
Randomize
