you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
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