but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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