YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
