You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
hey u leave my anime porn out of this
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
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