Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
