I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
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