i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
