just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
This girl is drinking wine and watching grey's anatomy in the library during finals week. I hate comm majors.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
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