rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
