between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
I think they should rename 16 and pregnant to "I was fucked in highschool and all I got was a baby and humiliated infront of the nation on MTV"
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
