he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
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