you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
