see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize
