no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
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