my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
I cant watch the real world now after jersey shore. its like trying to go back to vagina once uve had anal
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
Randomize
