I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
They took my balls.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
not ubering you a puppy
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
Randomize
