I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Randomize
