haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
Randomize
