So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
Sorry my hands just texted you
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
Randomize
