please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Randomize
