we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Randomize
