Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
Randomize
