My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
I'm pants shitting drunk right now
my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
Randomize
